Story time

Surprise, bitch.

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Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

Sorry but the meme was necessary.

The madness of sixth year life has prevented me from writing since summer. There’s been study, the sesh and of course…debating. Yes, I’m an avid debater. It has given me the opportunity to practice for my dream job of writing for John Oliver. Rigby Jones Debating Competition doesn’t mind if you take the piss out of politics or whatever the topic is once you keep it relevant…perhaps don’t talk about your intimate encounters on public transport…something about it being inappropriate but whatever.

It has been a journey. The destination was the final. Our sensei, Ray, guided us through, providing us with memes and never failing to challenge the opposing teams to a fight once the adjudicators left to deliberate. Our groupchat gave birth to a level of banter that debating has never seen before. We made some ‘friends’ in the library who wanted to study but we were too loud discussing the latest Donald Trump joke to add to our speeches.

We made it in the end. The final. Our contenders: the local all boy’s school. The motion: “This house believes Brexit would be good for the EU”. We were luckily against this motion and I felt pretty bad for the proposition. To be fair, these were lads that we had rooted for in every other debate.

It was a good debate, I like to think we both managed to make politics interesting and funny. I created my favourite analogy to date…one that I’m too proud not to share here.

“First let’s establish what the EU is. The European Union is a politico-economic union of 28 member states that are located primarily in Europe. In simple language, we’re like a boyband. Take One Direction. Germany is Harry Styles, he’s arguably the strongest of the group. While Niall Horan is Ireland, he didn’t really expect to be included but here he is despite Germany…I mean Harry always asking him for that fiver he owes. Then there’s the forgettable members of Louis and Liam who represent Lithuania, Malta, Estonia and a few other EU countries I’m not bothered to mention. But undoubtedly, Zayn is Great Britain. He never really wanted to be in the band and didn’t like being told what to do. So he made the controversial decision to leave. And soon after, we saw the break-up of One Direction. Ironically, they are now all going in very different directions. This is the future of the EU.”

Likewise the lads compared Britain leaving the EU to Roy Keane leaving the Irish squad. We really did nothing to change gender stereotypes in this debate.

Unfortunately I had another entertaining analogy that was deemed unsuitable for the debate but I shall include it here anyway.

“The proposition’s view that the EU will be better without Britain is the equivalent of a mother comforting her angsty teenage daughter following a break up “that she’s better off without him, he only ever held her back”. But these words shouldn’t reassure us, Britain was more than a boyfriend, Britain was a sugar daddy. In 2015, the UK government paid £13 billion to the EU budget, while EU spending on the UK was only £4.5 billion. So the UK’s ‘net contribution’ was estimated at about £8.5 billion. The hole this leaves in the EU’s budget is significant, much larger than the hole in a teenager’s heart.”

Honestly, I’m still raging I couldn’t use that one. Regardless, we won. Was it worth embarrassing myself in front of the local lads with my cringey debate humour? Well, I won a silver pen and a certificate with my misspelt name printed on it in comic sans.

Of course it was worth it.

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